Hondo I. Sackett
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Tonya sat on the balcony, hunched over, knees to her chest, and stared at the floor. She shivered slightly in the cool early morning air, its heavy dampness piercing through her thin, tired body. Dew glistened on almost every surface around her, but she did not notice it, she did not even seem to take notice of her own shivering as she was too lost in thought. A deep feeling of despair had overtaken her, one that she was not sure she had even felt while at the hands of those cruel doctors at the cybernetics lab, of which had held her and Zoey prisoner.
She fought with herself, with what she had done and with what she wanted to do, but nothing felt right to her. Her shivering intensified as memories of being strapped bare to that cold metal gurney ran through her mind. Memories of the feel of the steel against her body, the bindings biting into her skin, the light that was nearly blinding her that hovered above, the sound of machines beeping and whooshing, dull voices talking about her, as if she was nothing more than a hunk of meat to be carved, as drugs affected her mind and body, the sound of pneumatic drills and saws, flesh being cut, the smell of her own blood and antiseptics mixed, her body being jerked, pushed, and pulled as metal and flesh were melded, and a vague image of her own body parts being dumped into a waste bag to later be discarded. She relived these images almost daily but at the moment they seemed more intense than usual, those coupled with seeing them haul Zoey into the same operating theater to return her mangled, part machine, part flesh body to the recovery room, bruised, bandaged, pale, and seeming almost lifeless. These memories screamed at her, telling her that more of this was to come if she failed to hide them both from those who sot them, if she failed to stay ahead of them, if she failed to get them out of there. More of that was not acceptable.
Those were not the only memories though that filled her mind. Others collided with those thoughts. Thoughts of her childhood, of being whole, of how those two strangers looked at her with such worry and spoke so softly to her, of how kind that big cowboy had handled her so carefully, and he held her so gently. Their words about caring for her and Zoey, though they only guessed at Zoey’s existence from her verbal slips, their offering to find a way to make them better and take them away, and find someone to treat them with love again. Those thoughts cried loudly to her, and tore at her heart, as it was not just a better scenario than she had hoped for, but was almost the offered fulfillment of her wildest dreams, as of late anyway, shy of perfection as she knew being whole again was never an option. As much as she wanted this, other thoughts overshadowed any possibilities she could find in going back to them and it working out.
Thoughts of her parents being executed in front of her, their bodies being drug away, her dream of the same happening to the cowboy and his wife, thoughts of what the purple-haired lady had said, these told her happiness was impossible. She knew Kurayami’s men were out there still and they were coming. It was not safe here, it was not safe with the cowboy, it was not safe anywhere. If they caught her and Zoey they would be experimented on further and die, their lives being torture each and every day they drew breath. She did not want that for herself and feared it for Zoey even more, but though she wanted help, she feared just as much what would happen to those who aided them. She knew if she went back to the cowboy and his wife they would still be found and taken back to their gruesome fates, but then instead of just her and Zoey’s fates, she would also have this kind couples deaths on her conscience, as those who helped them would surely die too, either immediately or, if unlucky, doomed to share similar fates as they had. The thought of more dying for them, her young heart could not take as it was already at its limit, and maybe past, held together only by the younger girl that needed and trusted her so much.
She wanted to return to that house and let the cowboy and his wife take both her and Zoey in but she wrote it off as a selfish desire and tried to think about what she could do without involving others, though this mental write-off did little to uncloud her thoughts.
They had to keep moving, keep running, keep ahead of those who wished to do them harm. Though it was not an answer to their problem nor a complete escape, she was too exhausted to think of any other solution that did not mean them being responsible for more deaths other than their own. She told Zoey constantly that they would escape, but in reality, it was a pipe-dream. She told herself that if they kept running maybe Kurayami would give up, but she knew the reality of them being able to last that long was not realistic.
Even as she sat there her stumps throbbed and her whole body ached. On her way back to their hideout that night, she notices a slight ticking sound coming from her right artificial leg, as she waked, where only a slight whirring had been heard before. Her eye had also taken to flickering a bit in the dim light, as if the auto-adjust on the night vision was faltering. Her night vision had been one of the few things giving them and edge and if it died their night travels would have to stop and if it froze on, her day travels would be greatly hampered. Though this bothered her she was not sure what would fail first, her real body or her artificial parts. She also worried about Zoey. Her artificial parts were different, not as strong, and partially mangled as it was. Her body struggled to compensate and her health was barely maintaining at the moment.
She gave a ragged, shuttering sigh as she sat there and tried her best not to cry. They could not go back and they could not last.
After a bit she sat up with a sigh and slowly, using the balcony rail to pull herself up, got to her feet with a groan. She hurt bad and wanted to sleep, hoping the sleep would give her some reprieve from her own thoughts and allow her to think better later. She slowly made her way to the first floor, the only sounds other than her faint foot falls was the ‘whir, click’ of her artificial legs as she walked. As she descended the stairs she saw her bag sitting on the old kitchen counter, the bag that held her nightly haul, as well as the couple meager possessions she now had.
Her food haul for the night had not been great, finding some stale bread and a few half rotten vegetables that were at least partly edible. She figured she could combine them with some water and make a mash of sorts. It would not taste great but would give them some sustenance until she could find better. Though they would need to eat soon, the flask she had taken from the apartment building where the Cowboy was staying was more on her mind now, knowing that the harsh liquid inside would help dull her pain and let her sleep. As she emptied the food out of the bag in search for the flask her hand touched something else, something she wished she could forget its purpose but she feared its use was inescapable.
Her hand flinched at first, before slowly grasping the polymer grips and pulling the object from her bag. Once out she stared at it for a moment, a pistol she had stole from one of Kurayami’s men, from an all too close encounter, that she had stowed away in her bag. It had only on full magazine with about sixteen rounds in it, not enough to defend them, but that was not its intended purpose anyway. Though its purpose was one that chilled her to the bone, she knew it was the only way out that would actually work, though she hated the very thought of it down to her inner most being. She stared at charcoal black finish on the piece, wondered if it was better to use it now and not further risk capture. They were both in pain and she knew the pain would get worse day by day. Even if they managed to stay ahead of their enemy, was it worth suffering for a few more days only for the inevitable to catch up with them? She felt extremely empty and desperate at the moment, grasping at straws as why she should wait, but she coming up empty. She suddenly half dropped the pistol to the counter as if it were hot to the touched, quickly grabbed the whisky flask, and stepped quickly back as if the pistol would strike out at her like some venomous asp. She stopped within sight of the gun and dropped into a chair, quickly uncapping the metal flask and taking a deep drink from it. She coughed a bit as the amber liquid burned her throat but she barely noticed the searing pain as the pain and fear in her heart and mind burned worse.
As she sat there, she drank from the flask and stared at the gun, wishing it, its need, and intended purpose away, but it did not go away no matter how much she wished or drank. Before long she started to feel numb, but in that numbness, somehow, she felt she could do that which she had so long fought with herself for the resolve to do when the time came. She sat the flask down on the counter and picked up the gun, looking it over in her hand and even putting the barrel to her temple and closing her eyes, as she tried to steady herself and confirm in her mind that it was the right thing to do. She sighed after a moment, finding no reason to go on, no hope to continue fighting, and nothing that told her this would not eventually be the end anyway. Though something insider her screamed to stop and put it down, the whiskey dulled the voice enough to pretend she did not hear it. IF there was to be a time to do it, it had to be now.
With her resolve firm, or as firm as she could make it with the aid of alcohol and psyching herself up, she lowered the gun and headed towards the basement stairs, her first step an awkward stumble, as she had not realized how drunk she really was until then. She put a hand on the wall and steadied herself as she continued on, trying to make as little noise as possible, wanting Zoey to stay asleep, knowing it would be easier on both of them this way. As she descended the stairs, the ‘whir, clack’ was joined by the sound of her breath and heartbeat quickening as she tried to maintain her resolve and fought the battle within her. In the darkness her night vision flickered a bit but the sleeping form of Zoey was very detailed to her. She was relieved that she was turned away from her, which made it easier, as she did not know if she could pull the trigger if she saw that face that trusted her so much. As she approached the bed, she swallowed hard, paused a moment, and then raised the pistol with a trembling hand, aiming at the back of the young girl’s head. She paused again, closed her eyes for a moment and then put her finger shakily on the trigger. As she took a deep breath in, in preparation to fire, her heart almost stopped as Zoey groaned in her sleep and rolled onto her back, turning her face to her now. She gasped slightly at Zoey’s movement but breathed a sigh of relief when she did not wake, though the trembling in her hands only worsened, as her resolve faltered and the voice in her that screamed to stop got louder. She stood there for several seconds, gun pointed, body shaking as she tried to convince herself she was doing right. She panted for breath as sweat beaded on her brow, trickled down her face, and stung her real eye.
“Help me, God… Help me… I have to…” She whispered through grit teeth as she fought to hold steady and pull the trigger.
She lowered the pistol for a moment and tried to reign in her breathing; closing her eyes for a moment as she tried to steady herself. She swallowed hard after a moment, quickly opened her eyes, grit her teeth, and brought the gun back up as a tear ran down her face.
“I’m sorry, Zoey. Please forgive me.” She hissed softly through clenched teeth as she tensed up, ready to pull the trigger.
As she took up the slack in the trigger she heard a soft voice call out groggily to her, and her heart and breathing seemed to stop in that instance.
“Tonya??” Zoey’s familiar mechanical voice called out softly
She opened her eyes and saw Zoey’s good eye peak open a bit, and squint at her, trying to make out her form in the darkness. Her hand started to shake violently and she recoiled in horror, dropped the gun to the floor in the process, as full realization of what she was doing pierced through the drunken haze that she had mistaken as resolve. Zoey’s waking to see her like that added further to her anxiety, and she felt as if she had betrayed the girl that trusted her so, knowing she would never trust her again after this, though she had long told herself this day would come.
“Tonya!?!” Zoey called out in fear, as she curled up in a ball under the blanket on the cot, just her nose peeking out as she looked around frantically.
It was then that Tonya realized the Zoey could not see in the darkness around them and had most likely only seen her silhouette and not the gun in her hand. The cry of fear the young girl let out, calling for the one she trusted to protect her was almost more than Tonya could take.
“I.. I’m here.” Tonya said shakily as she fought off tears.
“I heard something!” her mechanical voice exclaimed fearfully.
“It.. it was me. I.. I knocked something over… it’s alright. Go back to sleep.” Tonya replied as a huge lump formed in her throat and her stomach started to feel sick.
Zoey sighed and visibly relaxed.
“Oh… scared me… I thought they found us.” She replied sleepily as she settled back down into the cot.
“No.. We’re .. s.s.safe. Ju.. just get some sleep.” Tonya whispered hoarsely, as she fought of crying and puking at the same time.
“Okay… love you.” Zoey whispered before drifting back off to sleep.
Tonya choked a bit and put a hand over her mouth to stifle the sounds as she scurried and half stumbled back to the stairs. She kept going, chocking back the sounds, liquid, and feelings inside as she rushed up to the first floor and then the second. She rushed into the second-floor bathroom, shut the door, and leaned against it for a moment. As what she had almost done hit her fully, she stumbled forward, fell on her knees before the old toilet in the room, and retched up at contents of her stomach, which was mostly booze and stomach acid. After the contents ran out she dry heaved for a bit and finally, her system exhausted, slowly sliding to the floor, and curled into a shaking, shivering ball. As her mind tried to process, she fell apart further. She had given into despair and almost shot that girl who so innocently trusted her and with so much trust and care told her she loved her. She gasped and coughed as choking sobs overcame her. She collapsed fully onto the floor as the sounds of her anguishing heart issued forth from her very core. She knew all along it would come to having to end it with their deaths and thought she could summon the courage. The thoughts of what they done to her, she told herself, alone was enough to give her the ability to take their lives when needed, but now she was not sure. What she did know is she could not take Zoey’s life. She was too weak. And beyond that she wanted to live.
“Zoey! I’m Sorry! *Sob* I’m Sorry!!! *Sob, Choke, Sob*! God.. *Sob* Why?!? *Sob, Sob* I .. I can’t! *Sob* I can’t do it! *SOB GASP*! I want to live! God, I want to live!! *SOB*!!!!!!!!”
She was not sure how long she lay there crying or when she started crying out to heaven for help, but exhausted, she eventually passed out, the anguish of her heart being too much for her own body to bare.
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As daylight spilled through the cracks between the boards that covered the old windows, it eventually fell across Tonya’s face, causing her to stir a bit. She shrugged under the blanket that covered had and tried to will the sun away, unsuccessfully. She tried to go back to sleep, as she felt so tired still, but the pounding of her head and churning of her guts allowed her no more rest and forced her out of the dark oblivion that her mind had fallen into, to keep itself from self-destructing.
Unfortunately for her, with her system clawing at her, her mind started to awaken and process her current state. She did not remember going to bed, let alone covering up, and the sick feeling inside her was not just her normal sickness from the pain she felt. She realized that though covered she lay on a cold, hard surface, like tile, and the taste of acid lingered on her lips and tongue, and burned her throat. As her mind worked she realized she had been drunk, drunk and puked, so she realized she must be hung over. She remembered puking and falling to the floor, then sobbing before things went dark in her mind.
She groaned as she searched for what happened in her head, ‘Wait… sobbing? Why was I sobbing? .. ow my head! … Why did I drink so much? … what happened.. I remember … remember drinking and staring at something… the gun! .. Zoey!!!”
“Zoey!!” She cried out, sitting up with a start, which made her guts churn worse and her head feel like it would explode.
She grab her head and squinted with her real eye, keeping her cyborg eye off, as the feedback from it was more than her brain could process at the moment. Her breath quickened as it all flooded back to her, and her mind panicked, as she could not remember what exactly she had done, if she went through with it or not. She saw she was in the bathroom still, but that did not help. As she glanced around frantically a small, mechanical sounding voice quickly drew her attention from the corner.
“I’m here.” Zoey called softly, in a flat tone, from a dark corner between the claw-foot tub and the wall.
Tonya had to sit up further to see her fully, and though the sound of her voice calmed her mind a bit, as she knew she had not gone through with the plan, but something about where she was and how she looked also drained the life from her.
“Zoey? … You alright?” Tonya asked in a hesitant, rough, groggy voice.
The corner Zoey sat in was as far away from Tonya as one could get in the old bathroom. She was half hidden behind the tub, but Tonya could see her, her knees pulled to her chest, and her face hidden into her knees. She looked up after a moment and a tear trail and a red eye betrayed that she had been crying.
“Zoey.. what’s wrong?” Tonya asked, afraid of the answer.
Zoey started at her for a moment before pulling a familiar charcoal colored object from her lap and sliding it half-way across the floor. Tonya started to shake again as she saw the pistol laying between them.
“You.. you didn’t knock something over did you?” Zoey whispered as she half rested her face on her knees and looked away from Tonya.
Tonya shook her head and replied in a shaky voice, “N.n.no.”
“You dropped this, didn’t you?” Zoey asked in the same whisper as before.
Tonya looked away from her, trying not to cry again, “Yes.”
Zoey hugged her knees a bit more tightly with her good arm.
“You were going to shoot me last night, weren’t you?” Zoey asked, almost inaudible this time.
Tonya nodded and closed her eyes as tears started to silently roll down her cheek. She looked up at her after a moment and started to crawl over to her but stopped when Zoey seemed to recoil from her.
“Stay away from me!” Zoey said quickly, glancing at Tonya quickly before staying away.
Though she did not think it was possible, Tonya’s heart broke more.
“Zo? I .. I’m s.s.sorry.” Tonya croaked, trying to not start sobbing again as she spoke.
“You lied to me. There’s no hope, is there?” Zoey asked after several seconds of silence.
Tonya looked down and shut her eye tightly, “I.. I don’t know… I don’t think so.”
Zoey sighed, “I wish you’d have just shot me, then.”
Tonya’s head snapped up, “Zo!”
Zoey looked up at her almost angrily, tears flowing from her remaining eye as she glared at Tonya.
“You told me we could escape, but we can’t! … We can’t escape and I can’t go back! Shoot me!” Zoey half yelled.
Tonya shook her head, “I.. I can’t!”
“Shoot me!”
“No!”
“Shoot me please!” Zoey said, losing the anger and giving Tonya a desperate look.
Tonya just shook her head at her, her breath quick and her body still trembling/
Zoey started to cry, “Please, please just do it! Please Tonya. I.. I tried to shoot myself but I can’t! I’m hurt so bad and am a burden to you!.. *sniff, sniff, sniff* Please, Tonya, I can’t go back!”
The desperate cries of the girl cut Tonya like a knife and she scrambled over to her and wrapped her in a hug.
“Zoey, I’m sorry!” Tonya cried.
“Please, shoot me! I can’t go back! *sob* I’m scared, so scared! Please hold me!!” Zoey sobbed into Tonya’s Chest.
They held onto each other and cried until they felt they had no more tears left, and then sat in silence a while longer. Neither of them knew how long had past, but Tonya’s stomach gurgling loudly drew Zoey’s attention and broke their silence.
“You okay?” Zoey asked softly.
Tonya nodded, “I’m alright.”
Zoey sighed and paused before speaking again, “*sigh* … What happened.. last night?”
Tonya closed her eyes for a moment and swallowed hard. She shook her head as she thought about it all, still putting the pieces together herself.
“I.. I don’t know. I didn’t find much food, had no luck finding a new hideout, and I just was hurting so bad… I. I felt as if we had no hope and.. and just wanted to sleep and forget about it all …. I went to get that flask I took from those people who helped me, thinking If I drank a bit I could sleep. I stole that gun from one of the guys that were chasing us, you know that one time I almost got peed on when hiding in the bushes from them, I told you about that.” Tonya said.
“You didn’t tell me about taking the gun.” Zoey replied softly.
Tonya sighed, “ No.. no I didn’t. I… I knew it might go bad, like we talked about before. I wasn’t sure how else to do it! … When I saw it last night I wondered if I should just do it now as.. as , oh Zo, I’m not sure how much longer I can run! I’m sorry!”
Zoey leaned back against her and wrapped her good arm around to old girl.
“I know. Me too.” She whispered.
Tonya swallowed hard again and took a deep breath to keep from crying again.
“… I know.” She whispered.
“Why didn’t you do it?” Zoey asked softly.
Tonya shook her head, “I..I couldn’t! You were turned away from me and I drank enough that I thought I could, but then you rolled over and I saw your face… I still tried, but I couldn’t. When you woke up I fell apart. I’m not sure I could ever drink enough to do it. I’m sorry, Zo, I am. I care about you so much and would kill to protect you, die to protect you, but I’m.. I’m too weak to kill you to save you from them.”
Tonya shook, her voice getting weaker and hoarser as she tried to hold it together.
Zoey sighed and nodded, “I understand… I couldn’t hurt you either…. What are we going to do?”
Tonya shook her head, “I.. I don’t know.”
After another long pause Tonya’s stomach groaned again, and Zoey spoke up once more, “You sick from drinking too much again?”
Tonya sighed and nodded, “Yeah, but it doesn’t matter… I deserve it, I guess…. I understand why people drink. After you’ve had some you feel light and free. You don’t hurt so bad and when sad, don’t feel as sad, but… If you feel like this after every time I’m not sure I want to anymore.”
After a moment, Zoey pulled away and struggled to her feet. Once up she took her crutch from where it lay in the bathtub and started to the door.
“Where you going?” Tonya asked.
“To get you one of those beers you brought from that house.” Zoey said.
Tonya frowned, “I’m not sure I want any more alcohol ever again.”
“Daddy used to say having a beer or two isn’t bad. And there were a few times he’d bring people back from the bar who had fallen off the wagon and got drunk doing that somehow. They would sleep on the couch and when they woke up he would give them a beer. He would tell them, “A hair of the dog helps to ease the pain, but leaves enough to remind us why we shouldn’t go so far.’ I don’t know what he meant, but I guess it helps.” Zoey said with a shrug.
“I’ll go with you.” Tonya said weakly, as she pulled herself up, wincing at the pain in her head.
She followed the younger girl to the first floor and fell into the old armchair as Zoey pulled one of the beers off the counter and handed it to her. Tonya winced at the sound the can made as the top popped open and frowned at the taste of the skunky warm liquid as it entered her mouth and ran down her throat. Though the amber liquid in the metal flask burned, there was still a pleasant, woody taste to it. This stuff she was not sure how anyone enjoyed at all!
“That’s horrible! You think one drink is enough?” She said as she frowned at the can.
“Daddy always had them drink them whole can. He said your dad did that for him when he was younger, before he stopped drinking and became a preacher. He said he didn't think drinking was bad, but since he was a pastor he had to above a porch, though I'm not sure what he meant.” Zoey said shrugging.
Tonya’s frown intensified as she looked at the can. She drank it all, though it took a while, and though the taste was horrible the fizziness of the beverage seemed to help her stomach and the slight warm feeling the alcohol in it gave her calmed her headache. She did not feel like she did before drinking but she definitely felt better.
As she sat back in the chair, Zoey disappeared down to the basement and came back a while later with the extension cord Tonya used to charge, it taking time for her to get it as she moved so slowly.
“You didn’t have to get that.” Tonya said.
“You didn’t charge last night, so I figured you need to.” Zoey said with a shrug.
Tonya sat up gingerly and pulled her cloak off and leaned forward so Zoey could look at the indicator.
Zoey frowned as she looked at it, “It’s showing red.”
“Damn. That means I’m under a quarter power.” She replied.
“Want to take of your pack so you can lean back better?” Zoey asked
Tonya nodded and Zoey unhooked the wires she needed to so Tonya could put the pack in her lap. As Tonya took the pack and sat back, she again thought of the cowboy and his wife and how much easier they had made it for her with the new shirt they modified and the new straps on her battery/control pack. She plugged in the one end of the cord as Zoey plugged in the other and then sat back into the big, old armchair. Once plugged in Zoey hobbled back over and sat down beside her in the chair and laid back against her.
“You know your like a big sister to me, right?” Zoey asked softly.
Tonya nodded, “I know, and you’re like my little sister, who I love and care a lot about.”
“You know I trust you too, don’t you?” Zoey said.
Tonya closed her eyes and nodded, “Yeah, though I don’t deserve it.”
“Just please don’t let them take me again. Whatever you think is best I trust you, just don’t let them hurt me again, please.” Zoey said softly.
Tonya nodded, “I’ll try.”
“… I’m sorry I’m such a burden to you. You could get away if it wasn’t for me.” Zoey said after a long pause.
Tonya looked over at her and shook her head, “No, No I couldn’t. I only made it this far because of you… I. I can’t get us away from them.”
Zoey frowned, “Then.. what are we going to do?”
Tonya looked away and stared at the wall for a moment before shaking her head, “I.. I don’t know.”
“You sure that cowboy wouldn’t help if you asked him nicely?” Zoey asked.
Tonya closed her eyes tightly to fight back tears again. She had cried way too much, in fact she felt she had cried more than half the day, every day since her parents were murdered. She was pretty sure that was no exaggeration and was sure it was the safe for Zoey. She did not want to cry anymore but was not sure how to stop other than dying.
“I.. I know he would if.. if I asked but.. but then… but then they would be killed too…. I don’t think I could take that.” She whispered.
“But if we can’t get away and we can’t kill each other, what can we do? He’s all we have left, isn’t he?” Zoey asked in a desperate, worried tone.
Tonya sighed and nodded after a moment, “*sigh* … yeah, I guess he is. I’ll go talk to him tonight.”
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GsB IV: Enemies of Space, Murderers of Time. (Read 22863 times)
