To the Guy Who Mugged  Me Downtown (Downtown, Savannah )
 
 
 
 
            I was the white guy with the black Burrberry  jacket that you demanded I hand over shortly after you pulled the knife on  me and my girlfriend. You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and  earrings. I hope you somehow come across this message. I'd like to  apologize.
 
            I didn't expect  you to crap your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket.  Truth is, I was wearing the jacket for a reason that evening, and it  wasn't that cold outside. You see, my girlfriend had just bought me that  Kimber 1911 .45 ACP pistol for Christmas, and we had just picked up a  shoulder holster for it that evening. Beautiful pistol, eh? It's a very  intimidating weapon when pointed at your head, isn't it?  
 
            I know it probably wasn't a  great deal of fun walking back to wherever you'd come from with that brown  sludge flopping about in your pants. I'm sure it was even worse since you  also ended up leaving your shoes, cellphone, and wallet with me. I  couldn't have you calling up any of your buddies to come help you try to  mug us again. I took the liberty of calling your mother, or "Momma" as you  had her listed in your cell, and explaining to her your situation. I also  bought myself some gas on your card. I gave your shoes to one of the  homeless guys over by Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all of the cash in  your wallet, then I threw the wallet itself in a dumpster.  
 
            I called a bunch of phone  sex numbers from your cell. They'll be on your bill in case you'd like to  know which ones. Alltel recently shut down the line, and I've only had the  phone for a little over a day now, so I don't know what's going on with  that. I hope they haven't permanently cut off your service. I was about to  make some threatening phone calls to the DA's office with it. Oh well.  
 
            So, about your pants. I  know that I was a little rough on you when you did this whole attempted  mugging thing, so I'd like to make it up to you. I'm sure you've already  washed your pants, so I'd like to help you out. I'd like to reimburse you  for the detergent you used on the pants. What brand did you use, and was  it liquid or powder? I'd also like to apologize for not killing you and  instead making you walk back home humiliated. I'm hoping that you'll  reconsider your choice of path in life. Next time you might not be so  lucky. If you read this message, email me and we'll do lunch and laundry.  Peace! - Alex