Summary of My Last Year on the Computer
 
I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about
poison in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a
wet towel with every envelope that needs sealing.
 
Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for
the same reason.
 
I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick
girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for
the 1,387,258th time.
 
I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once
I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are
sending me for participating in their special e-mail
program.
 
I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214
angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has
granted my every wish.
 
I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually
horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.
 
I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I
smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.
 
Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get
answered if I forward an email to seven of my friends and
make a wish within five minutes.
 
Because of your concern, I no longer drink Coca-Cola because
it can remove toilet stains.
 
I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to
watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl into my back
seat when I'm pumping gas.
 
I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who
make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under
God" on their cans.
 
I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it
causes cancer.
 
And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water
in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face,
disfiguring me for life.
 
I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I
could be nicked with a needle infected with AIDS.
 
I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug
me with a perfume sample and rob me.
 
I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they
are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.
 
I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't
support our American troops or the Salvation Army.
 
I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to
dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls
to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.
 
I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I
now have their recipe.
 
Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because
a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to
cause me instant death when it bites me.
 
And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00
in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a
molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.
 
I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from
certain gas companies!
 
If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in
the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on
your head at 5:00PM this afternoon and the fleas from 12
camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy
hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to
a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's
second husband's cousin's beautician...
 
Have a wonderful day....
 
Oh, by the way.....A South American scientist from
Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people
with insufficient brain activity read forum posts with their
hand on the mouse.
 
Don't bother taking it off now; it's too late.